With its Christmas-party crowds, December poses a challenge for restaurants, says one chef and restaurateur. But those who rebel against the tyranny of traditional festive food do us all a favour.
Christmas is not a good time for eating out. So much so, that from the beginning of December, I prefer to eat at home. Don't mis- understand me: I love Christmas as much as the next man. It's just that throughout Britain's restaurants and hotels, overworked waiters are trying to keep on smiling while serving up troughfuls of turkey to parties of drunken office workers wearing silly tissue-paper hats - and all that forced jollity can rather drain one's Christmas spirit, don't you find?
It needn't be this way. If I were asked to offer a piece of advice to any budding restaurateur planning a Christmas menu, it would be simple: don't do turkey. There's a tyranny of turkey at this time of year. I remember in my first job in a restaurant; we used to make up these awful turkey rolls. These were like those rolled-up beef olives, only much, much worse. We'd take turkey breast (which had usually dried out nicely), wrap it up around some stuffing (which had clearly never seen a turkey until that moment) and squeeze in a wrinkled chipolata, too. This would then be finished off by having some sticky brown goo poured over the top. I wouldn't wish that kind of dull, unimaginative fare on anyone.
If I were to offer a piece of Christmas advice to any restaurateur it would be: don't do turkey
There's no reason why food should suffer just because it's Christmas. Quite the reverse. The brilliant thing about being a chef in the UK is the seasons. Throughout the year we are blessed with a fantastic wealth of seasonal produce and Christmas is no exception. Native oysters are at their peak during December; geese, as we know from the song, are getting fat; and suckling pigs are great at this time of year. But this blanket turkey-and-Christmas-pudding approach that London restaurants adopt through a slavish adherence to tradition or their own lack of imagination does nobody any favours.
It can become ridiculous. I remember one December, eating in a local Italian restaurant and hearing calls of "Due turkey!" and "Quattro Christmas pudding!" coming from the kitchen. I mean, what on earth has a heavy, steamed suet pudding got to do with an Italian Christmas? It's completely out of kilter.
Throughout the year we are blessed with a fantastic wealth of seasonal produce and Christmas is no exception
For a restaurateur, the Christmas party season can be a very strange phenomenon. Christmas is the season of goodwill, but it's also a very volatile time, when people's stresses and strains come to the surface. I live in Covent Garden and during this celebratory period, when I lie in bed listening to the sounds from outside, I hear fights, I hear lovers breaking up, I hear people being sick. Everything is heightened - that's all part of the Christmas 'joy'.
The restaurateur, of course, sees his fair share of this excessive behaviour. I never used to allow Christmas parties at my restaurant, St John, in Clerkenwell, but that was just being silly. Diners expect a feeling of celebration, so now we offer a feasting menu. This has a choice of different main courses, from pigeon and trotter pies to rabbit, mustard and bacon, but our most popular option is the suckling pig. Each pig will serve 14 to 16 diners - it's delicious, a wonderful communal meal, and a great way to keep alive the Christmas spirit. I draw the line at crackers and paper hats, though. They're still banned.
Nevertheless, it is important to offer your diners something a bit special, because this is an important time for the restaurateur. It would be gloomy if restaurants weren't to make a healthy nest egg at Christmas. But this should not be an excuse to serve up bad food. For both chef and restaurateur, roasting turkey after turkey all day is hugely dispiriting. I became a restaurateur in order to give people pleasure. Sure, many of the people you serve at this time of year won't come back - such is the transient nature of the Christmas trade. But that shouldn't matter.
Given all this, it shouldn't surprise you that I'm not going to a restaurant on Christmas Day: I'll be in Scotland with my folks, and I'll be cooking the lunch. However, it might come as a surprise when I tell you what I will be cooking: turkey and all the trimmings. I'm a traditionalist at heart and there's something wonderful about the Christmas meal. I love the stuffing, and bread sauce is one of the finest things known to man. I adore Christmas pudding, too; I always keep one from the year before. It's an absolutely magical thing that happens, the way it develops over time into this thing of wonder. Yes, I look forward to Christmas lunch immensely - but I'm glad I only have to eat it once a year.
Do you agree that Christmas is a bad time for eating out?
Email food@johnbrowngroup.co.uk. Fergus Henderson is co-proprietor of St John, 26 St John Street, London EC1; and St John Bread & Wine, 94-96 Commercial Street, London E1.
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'Beyond Nose to Tail' by Fergus Henderson and Justin Piers Gellatly is published by Bloomsbury, priced £17.99.